Arbitrary Astrology

Given that astrologers are subject to less rigorous verification than even weathermen which is an impressive feat, yet still are consulted for every day matters. I thought it necessary to give myself the same credit to predict the future for no other reason than my own arrogance. Rather than put the signs and then describe your horoscopes though, this week I am going to put street signs and let you know what astrological signs I will totally randomly attribute those...well, attributes to.

Stop SIGN: Capricorn.
Really capricorn, it's about time you put the brakes on. I think you've been overdoing it for months now and we're all starting to feel a bit on edge every time you come around. If you don't feel that, then you're probably just not aware of how others feel about you, in which case I hope I've given you enough of a complex that you'll continue to return here for advice.

Yield sign: Aries, Taurus.
You may have been feeling some tension lately dear, wonderful, friendly, aries and taurus people. As, you excellent, magnanimous, beautiful people, may not always see eye to eye with co-workers. Don't worry though, you're sexy, luscious, satisfying selves can always come back here to find out when and where you should cross the line

U-Turn sign: Virgo.
Today nobody loves you because I said so. Sorry, go back where you came from. Here you're not welcome.

"Road Ahead subject to significant delays from 6 to 9pm due to construction" flashing sign: Gemini.
You two-faced motherfucker. If you really believe that people aren't on to you and your lies then you're kidding no one but yourself. Cut the shit and fess up. You did it. It's ok, your mother might still love you.....here's hoping.

Truck Detour ahead Sign: Aquarius
Being the water bearer, you're probably a little bloated. Time to lay off the lays and trade the couch potato routine for carrots and a good jog as you've become just too heavy for the road ahead. Just cause you wear a breezy blouse doesn't mean people aren't noticing. Tightening your economic belt is not the same as letting it get tight. Do something with yourself. Oh and this could also mean that you're just the debby downer of the group as that would also make you too heavy in a hippie "that's heavy man" kinda way. Regardless, lighten up.

School Zone, speed limit 15 mph sign: Libra.
You being the balancer of all of our lives really just work to dissolve any sort of fun that any one's having. God, get off everyone's back. Work hard play hard, or just do one, it's fine either way. Don't judge me.

Eden Next right: Sagittarius.
You're a fucking archer. That's just wicked cool. You toss arrows in to the air and, with reckless abandon, fuck people's shit up. I admire you and think that you are cool. Today at least you are the winner dear sagittarius and I will talk to you as if that's your name because that's what astrologer's do. Dear good loving wonderful heart-warming pleasant Sagittarius, I hope the day showers sunshine the way you shower arrows on an unwitting legion of foes. Good day.